third uncle has been playing frequently on shuffle; everytime this happens i can’t help but turn it up. it’s a blistering, feverish brian eno song remade by bauhaus, and listening to it reminds me of how awesome they are. i get nostalgic thinking about the very first time i heard bela lugosi is dead…the hypnotic, haunting minimalism. then, hearing kick in the eye (it was the first track on a goth compilation box set), how peerless it seemed at the time. peter murphy’s solo career wasn’t terrible either…

okay, alright, YEAH, i admit it, i was a goth adolescent. i fantasized about my day of emancipation, when i could smoke cloves, go to all the haunts (hyuk hyuk), and wear whatever i wanted. i still cringe when i think about the outlandish outfits, the accessories (you can be sure i owned at least one ankh), my one-track “art,” the whole shebang. it’s mortifying! as much as it pains me, i try to embrace the past and if nothing else, find comfort in knowing that it felt truest to my angst-ridden, morbid character. i threw out most of my t-shirts from back then, but i couldn’t part with the joy division or skinny puppy one. i still have my mixtapes and all of my sisters of mercy albums (to which josh said: “you must be embarrassed”). now the whole “culture” seems like such a ridiculous 90s legacy.

i can trace the origins of my goth conversion back to one singular person: lee, the YMCA summer camp counselor on whom i totally crushed when i was 13ish. he was a 20-30 something chinese dude with an accent, and was the most beguiling badass EVER. though a bit scrappy, he had a striking countenance, a subtle snaggletooth, thick black hair, walked with a swagger, and was never without his ray bans, leather jacket, and scuffed winklepickers.
doesn’t sound like your “typical” camp counselor, right? kinda aloof, but overall good at his job. what an anomaly.

recently i thought i had seen him on the street. it made me feel very, very strange.

i’m self-conscious and embarrassed about my absurd goth teenage self. it’s an exercise in humility, reflecting back on different periods of your life. what you were like, how you carried yourself, what you were trying to project.

in the end, it’s key to remember: ain’t no shame in that game.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 28th, 2008 at 2:45 pm and is filed under culture, history, music. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.