judge dread
every morning, it’s the same routine. i wince at the prospect of getting dressed for work. why? it’s not just that my wardrobe has grown obsolete and is woefully blah. despite my usual sloppy appearance, i’m actually a pretty superficial, style-conscious person who places almost too much value on sartorial aesthetic. but i guess you could say i’ve learned to let myself go because it’s pretty discouraging to try to look presentable most of the time.
the most painful part of facing my closet is the absolute shame, dread, and crippling depression that comes with *trying* to slip on clothes that don’t fit quite like they used to. whenever i put my slacks on, it’s a ritual of disgust. i brace myself for the moment of encroaching tightness that occurs when they get past my knees and climb up my thighs. the worst part: the waistband. for every pair of pants, regardless of the cut and cloth, i naturally arch my back in a futile attempt to stretch the tummy for tautness (which is a joke on this body), suck in, and tug hard on the opposite sides of the zipper/button to overlap them.
then i look in the mirror and deceive myself into thinking they’re not *that* tight, even though my ass is shrinkwrapped in a terrifyingly self-compromising way. i try to dismiss that stifling feeling of restriction and over-snugness around my bellybutton and thighs, hoping that as the day progresses the fabric will “relax” around my muffintop.
it makes me marvel at how once, these clothes actually used to fit me well.
nowadays, i spend most of my time shifting around uncomfortably, endeavoring to overcome my slovenliness with strained confidence, sometimes unable to sit up straight at my desk because i hate the way my rolls runneth over. all while being around women whose bodies i’d die to call my own (your genes = life’s worst crapshoot).
all my clothes feel like sausage casing. and i’m the sausage.
May 8th, 2009 at 4:26 am
Jenn,
you are one of the most beautiful people I know. You should never have to worry about this kind of shit because you are always extraordinarily put together and wonderful. GEEZ!
Your schlub pal,
H (2)
May 8th, 2009 at 10:36 am
I see. Our little Jennifer has this imaginary, self-image report card going on in her head with negative entries every day. Unfortunately it’s someone else’s report card.
Why would you want to fret over anything about yourself? All of us who love you love everything about you. Go shopping and get comfortable…you truly are one of the beautiful people.
May 8th, 2009 at 11:17 am
mornin’, sunshine
May 8th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Dude, my pants got so tight I started getting nauseous. So I convinced myself I must be pregnant. (I know, right?!?!) But it makes for a good story…
May 8th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
this is the natural reaction to gaining a pound or two. but you can’t have the awesome feeling of losing a pound or two without gaining a pound or two first.
there are probably millions of people in the world who would kill to have looked like you, so maybe SHUT YOUR FUCKING CHIPMUNK FACE
May 8th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
ps -
1 – you’re a cry-ass
2 – i read this expecting there to be some kind of 2000AD reference. please send me a refund
May 8th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
dat’s bullsheet jenn
May 10th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
oh sis. if all the love going around here is not enough proof you are incredibly awesome, charming, beautiful, real, and loving in the most brilliant way, then I don’t know what will do it. You have to practice what you preach. Always telling me “oh SIS. Here we go again…why don’t we just think ourselves into a negative downhill spiral. mmm-hmmm… good!” Same to you! Don’t be so negative and hard on yourself!!! We have the rest of our 50s and 60s to do that to ourselves. Not now!
May 11th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
um, hey guys, thanks so much for your heartwarming comments. honestly, when i wrote this i wasn’t fishing at all, but i was inspired and motivated by my own seething emotions and just needed to channel them somehow. it seems so shallow, but it’s all just how i genuinely feel, sadly, on a day-to-day basis. it’s a struggle. so having such loving friends like you guys really takes the edge off!
@hellen thanks so much. that means a lot coming from one of the most together, extraordinary gals i know.
@tim thank you, but shopping would mean admitting defeat and having to accept my current body. i’m also principled against it…
@mike your tender email was thoughtful
@autumn yes indeed! and what a pleasant surprise to hear from you. thanks for stopping by. yay!
@eric hahaha, thanks dark lord. i’m so glad you love my fat chipmunk face. and i meant to trick ppl with my judge dredd hook. notice how i spelled dredd differently? and yes i am a cry ass.
@anthony no, it’s the truth. thanks for the comment
@christina i hope i don’t feel this way in my 50s and 60s!
May 12th, 2009 at 1:08 am
haha.. my comment is sally come-lately… i ditto what everybody else has said.
but i also sympathize re: muffin top and that sense of dissatisfaction accompanying morning clothing choices…. rarggh!
May 14th, 2009 at 12:14 am
why the freak do you think I wear all those dresses? besides the fact that I can get dressed in my sleep (and do)…no waistband!
anyhow, I feel cheated as there was also no tie-in to the Armand Assante/Stallone film of 2000AD so please send me an inter-office refund for the time I spent worrying about your body image.
May 19th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
@andrea yeah, i’m glad you can relate. maybe it’s common among us ladies. not sure if i can find it satisfying knowing that perhaps even the skinny ones feel it too. if that’s the case then i want to punch them even more!
@nico but those trademark dresses are oh so lovely and nice! as i type this i am wearing a sweater that has a distracting waistband. curses! geez, this is the last time i reference judge dredd!
May 21st, 2009 at 8:58 pm
I am the law, and I judge you guilty of being super hot and insane. On the upside, it’s the crazy ones that are always the sexiest, right?
But I also know how you feel, and know that having all your friends point out the truth to you doesn’t mean that you’ll believe them. To some extent, everyone has a distorted image of themselves, it’s just that some (like you & me) have an even more distorted one than usual. We’ve always gotta be special, don’t we?
And remember, when the gay bomb goes off, you’re mine.
May 26th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
awww, biggles, thank you for the kind words. you’re insane! YOU ARE! sometimes i think it’s distorted, other times i think i’m not hard enough on myself. as for the gay bomb, is there some sort of doomsday clock a la watchmen to indicate its imminent detonation?
June 10th, 2009 at 1:24 am
Terrorists generally don’t give time lines for their attacks. Tyler’s list is pretty long, with Thomas Jane at the top. Long enough that it kinda makes you wonder if the gay bomb is just an excuse for him…