every morning, it’s the same routine. i wince at the prospect of getting dressed for work. why? it’s not just that my wardrobe has grown obsolete and is woefully blah. despite my usual sloppy appearance, i’m actually a pretty superficial, style-conscious person who places almost too much value on sartorial aesthetic. but i guess you could say i’ve learned to let myself go because it’s pretty discouraging to try to look presentable most of the time.

the most painful part of facing my closet is the absolute shame, dread, and crippling depression that comes with *trying* to slip on clothes that don’t fit quite like they used to. whenever i put my slacks on, it’s a ritual of disgust. i brace myself for the moment of encroaching tightness that occurs when they get past my knees and climb up my thighs. the worst part: the waistband. for every pair of pants, regardless of the cut and cloth, i naturally arch my back in a futile attempt to stretch the tummy for tautness (which is a joke on this body), suck in, and tug hard on the opposite sides of the zipper/button to overlap them.

then i look in the mirror and deceive myself into thinking they’re not *that* tight, even though my ass is shrinkwrapped in a terrifyingly self-compromising way. i try to dismiss that stifling feeling of restriction and over-snugness around my bellybutton and thighs, hoping that as the day progresses the fabric will “relax” around my muffintop.

it makes me marvel at how once, these clothes actually used to fit me well.

nowadays, i spend most of my time shifting around uncomfortably, endeavoring to overcome my slovenliness with strained confidence, sometimes unable to sit up straight at my desk because i hate the way my rolls runneth over. all while being around women whose bodies i’d die to call my own (your genes = life’s worst crapshoot).

all my clothes feel like sausage casing. and i’m the sausage.

two of the best xmas gifts in the world were bestowed upon lucky ol’ me last night…

(my new walking outfit!)

a fleece glow-in-the-dark dinosaur onesie. those elements by themselves are all wonderful things, but combined together into one entity, you get an extremely exciting and practical bundle.

fleece cuz that’s your number one ticket to keeping warm; a onesie that actually fits, since “adults” (if that’s what you want to call me) need to feel nurtured and comfy too; soles with grippy stars; and well, dinosaurs AND glow-in-the-dark pterodactyls?! ‘NUFF SAID. and bonus — body pillow! been talkin’ up the need for a body pillow for quiet some time, and apparently my gift-giver listens (or wants to escape the constant onslaught of my repetition). finally, i can sleep better, treat my back right, and spoon something (for the nights peg isn’t there).

behold: exemplary comfort and warmth!

pic by peg

thank you peg. these gifts RULE. i’m gonna make sure that at least the onesie stays in the family for generations to come.

ps – neva and jeff should prob get credit for tipping us off to this fine, fine piece of art in the first place

your crazy western wear slut here, giddy about her new purchase from a magical place in denver called rockmount ranch wear. we wanted to buy the entire historical store, but i somehow managed to walk out with just two tops (thanks to my shopping companions for “reining” me in, hyuk hyuk). though they cost an arm and a leg, i’m proud to add them to the western shirt collection i’ve slowly accrued over the years.

i present to you, my denver acquisition #1:
(please pardon my bloated chubby man face)

wait for it, waaaaaait for it…

unfortunately i like to roll up my sleeves, which means i can’t show these babies off

floral motif and a surly lookin’ cowboy

(photos of me courtesy of jan)

you can thank this guy, 107-year-old jack weil, founder of rockmount ranch wear, for introducing snap buttons, sawtooth pockets, and bolo ties to the world

i wanted this, but they didn’t have my size

one wall is lined with photos of celebrities rocking rockmount ranch wear

we seriously could’ve spent all day in here, if it weren’t for our flight

gotta have them all

if you have any vintage western shirts, check the label to see if it’s rockmount! can’t wait to wear my denver acquisition #2. soon. very soon.

ps – sorry about the way indulgent post. i was just super excited!